Along with the immense stresses put upon me this essential week before thanksgiving break, i’ve recently been elected Chairman of Happiness for several people.

being responsible for other people’s happiness is a tough job. And obviously, if you don’t realize that you’re supposed to be said Chairman, it’s very difficult to fulfill your duites.
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this week, my friends. this is it.

then comes thanksgiving break.

then comes FINALS.

then christmas time.
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After talking to Dave on the phone tonight, I started thinking about life, about where I’m standing here in November 2004 and where I’m going.
It’s a confusing time to be alive. I live in a country deeply divided and at war with people I have no understanding of. All I see is the sadness, night after night, young guys, my age mostly, getting killed by someone else who is probably also about my age, and over what? Over Democracy? Oil? Religion? Freedom? Power? In the end, I ask myself, does it really matter what the killing is about? Do the mother’s of those killed care that their sons and daughters won a victory for freedom or for Allah? I can’t answer these questions, but I can imagine how my mother would feel if I came home in a coffin…

And where does all this division, all this fighting, leave those who are not at war? All the rest of us who simply feel the sadness, the great weight of our times. I wonder about it, and I feel nothing but a vast emptiness…

I am twenty years old. I am a college student. I am getting an education in order to become a more well-rounded person and to fulfill a need in society. I am in a stage of transition. I am not old enough to drink an alcoholic beverage, but I am old enough to know my place. And my place is constantly changing. I am in process. I am becoming.

But, I can’t agree with those things. Can a person live their life, day-to-day, expecting to one day be something more important, more, at least in some way, complete?

I think about what I spend most of my time, most of my energy doing. What do I think about most often? And the answer, I realize, is just being a good person to the people I interact with. The most important things in my life, I already have: my family, my friends, my health, a place to live, and food to eat.

Yet, this is not enough. I must have more friends, a bigger family, a better body, a nicer house, and the best food. I must strive to have more, to give more, and to be more. Who I am now, as I sit typing this, is apparently, not enough. Why go through all the trouble of improving, if I’m just okay?

When I was in elementary school, I remember my teachers talking so much about what was expected of me. How I was expected to be good, mannered, intelligent, pleasant, and so forth. Later, I was told that I must be those things but also deeply spiritual and an upholder of social justice. I must love God above all things, and others above myself. Now, I must be all that, plus an active helpful member of an increasingly complex society. In short, I must be a super-combination of Mother Theresa, Thomas Jefferson, and a smiley Charley Chaplain, equal parts saint, social bastion, and engaging entertainer. And of course, I’m not alone. All my classmates and peers should be the same.

For years and years I nodded my head to this never-ending monologue from the world at large. I don’t mean to lay blame on anyone, it’s just that it was/is the over-arching message of my young life. Until I came to college, both schools I went to held up the Mother of God and a saint respectively as role models for me to follow. They never said, “Be yourself” but rather, “this is who you ought to be.”

And now you might be wondering, “What’s so wrong with that?”

Well, initially, I didn’t see anything. But the older I got, the more things began to come to light. I saw that many of the people around me hardly believed what I had been taught was so important. I saw so many of my friends, some close, some far, turn their backs on the values I was supposed to cling to. I saw authority figure after authority figure, betray the very values they claimed to uphold. I saw people, people who had nothing, who violated every rule in the book, yet did so much for others. And I knew then that at least one thing I learned was true: that the first shall be last and the last shall be first.

As a young teen-ager, I felt crushed with the obligation to live up the lofty standards of others. Now, as a young adult, I accept who I am, but my values remain; if only I knew what to make of them now. Now, there’s no black and white to most issues, they are worlds of complexity in themselves. I try to apply what I’ve been taught for so long, yet the simple truths of my childhood seem like a toy gun against the army of problems I face today.

And in spite of all this, I’m happy. I smile and laugh. Sometimes it’s the only sane response. I can’t help but think that things will be just fine, but sometimes, when I look around, I feel so worried about the road that lies ahead…

yeah! it’s the end of the week and time for the weekend. what a goodly week it has been. or something like that.

few tests, and only minor work obligations spell small days of happiness for me at least. i’ve gotten some guitar playing in, some fooling around in, a little bit of school work and some hanging out time with numerous sundry friends.

lots of big news happened this week. there was the election, and, unlike many of the people i’ve spoken too, i was thrilled to be a part of the process (regardless of whether my vote went to the loser or winner). just seeing democracy in action was fascinating. i stayed up half the night watching the returns. i even tried to make advance calculations to try and determine what state would be needed in any given senario for either canidate. and most importantly, i wrote down all Dan Rather’s “Ratherisms” which i will be posting soon. man, they are hilarious.
Fun and games aside though, when i arrived at school on Wednesday morning, i realized that many people were truly divided over the election results. i felt bad for them. maybe it’s just my silly optimism but i like to think that, no matter what happens in elections, or appointments, or rulings, that the world will somehow move towards a postive place, if only i can do my part to help.

so there was that. also, we are now having october weather in november. ’bout time.

and of course, we are now truly moving into the end of the year. hard to believe that 2004 is almost over. the days are getting shorter. the nights are getting longer. this is one of my favorite times of year; i love the end journey, the darkness, the 11th hour.

it’s a time of year when i’m always reflecting, thinking about the past year, wondering what the new year will bring. but especially, i love the endless nights. they are not something i’d want all year, but their slow, marching descent is something i always look forward to in november.

last night i watched the sun go down, like a candle slowly burning the wax of the world, until there was nothing left. just a cool, dark, silence and my own far-away thoughts.