okay this is basically a poetry/prose reflection on turning 19. i didn’t write this to be cheesy or sentimental (although it may come off that way, i hope not though). also this is personal stuff. rarely does the scribble in my black notebook see the light of day, but i felt compelled to share, not out of a sense of voyeurism, but because i think my feelings are universal to everyone my age. hopefully this will provoke a thought or stir a memory…. so here it is …with a bullet:

Sept. 2, 2003

i sit and survey my life.
nineteen years ago, i entered into this world, and nineteen years later i sit on this bench in the shade of oak trees
watching college kids go by, dressed in jeans and shorts and skirts and colored shirts and a light breeze stirs my hair
and pushes this september heat around.

Yes, they are everywhere.

people of every kind and mind looking for the truth in crowded dirty classrooms and packed auditoriums, and i march in their ranks too, a journyman soilder in the fight against ignorance.

it has been a long nineteen years.

nineteen years of experiencing the chaos of a life bound by a culture that has long lost it’s grip on reality.
exposed to men dying, men living, men being born, men being created, in a constant stream of unadulterated existence.

I am no longer shocked by anything.

in nineteen years i have looked and searched and cried and bled. i have stayed up all night on long vigils, i have driven the streets alone at 3 am (the loneliest places in the world are streets at 3 am), I have asked for the truth from parents, priests, friends, strangers, God, nature and everything in between.

Their answers have varied.

i have slept for days, played music in a trance, danced in the street, whispered on my knees, seen a vision of Mother Mary, and stood naked before my loves, burning with the white-hot flames of innoccence and passion.

i have lost everything, gained everything and still my journey continues.

i look out now, and,
i am glad,
that i am here.

post script to a long lost friend:

“Oh little boy lost, brought here by so much pain,
may the joy of your life, forever guard your name.
May the sun’s warm rays,
and the ocean’s mighty wave,
be seen in the dew drop,
of your daily way.”
__________________________________________________________________

-deep breath-
that’s it. excuse the spelling and caps errors. sorry for waxing philosophical and revealing personal info. but, hey, it’s my birthday.

This entry was posted by jon on Thursday, September 4th, 2003 at 11:53 am and is filed under journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.